Surviving the dark

My goodness!  It seems I've survived a very dark period back in 2003.  Some heavy stuff here from my agonized soul:

Close your eyes

Take a deep breath

If you can still breathe

Find it there

The old hollow me...

A shuddered heartbeat

Knocking the bones

Pumping dark tears

All through my soul

Your voice in my head

Supposed to be warm

Brings coldness forth

Your intent, a storm

Swallowing me

Spitting me up

Rejecting me...

Paging through memories

I have kept memories, notes and poems since I was a teenager.  Today I came across this one from 2003 - my dark period.  I'm so happy to have found the Light and a place where my soul is free:

Able bodied witch am I

Knowing just the way of sly.

Spewing hurt and fear, I fly

off the handle but I'm running dry...

I'm fiery anger, bursting forth

from your mouth - wipe the froth...

I'm spitting poison from the tongue.

All about, oh, the lies I flung

Abusing, distorting truth - my best tools

And you, dear mortals, are the fools

A well of bitter inside me dwell

We all together in this same hell

Death be the only escape from me

Yes inside me devils roam free

Dulls my senses, numbs my heart

And all good for nothing but piercing dart...

Knowing

I am a beautiful mess.

Living a lightning storm

in a dry desert spell.

I wish I had

more of my ducks in a row

Or rather, my zebras aligned.

No longer do I wish

to be a wave 

tossed and thrown about

by the sea

only to wreck myself on the rocks.

There's a better way - 

the way of being quiet 

and still

and knowing...

Ps. 46:10 KJV

Horns

Sometimes

you just have to take life by the horns

and get on with it

no worries, no fear

no feelings - 

keep soldiering on.

As long as there is life

there is fuel to fight

and hopefully

at the end

a little

rest for the weary.

Discontent

It's in the discontented

murmur

just before sleep.

When heightened senses

lets you feel

the beat of your heart

pulsing through your veins

aware;

oxygen - bubbling, racing through blood

essentially piquing 

the interest of 

every nerve

every cell

every fibre

and every fagment 

of your being;

always alive, always aware

But never lets you feel your soul...

The rhythm of my soul

Oh, to find the rhythm of my soul again

In Your words, In Your care

Under Your wings

Everything You created have rhythm and time

The restless sea, crashing waves

The waxing waning moon, deliriously moving through time

If time exists

The relentless wind

Day, night, midnight, noon

Our ins and outs.

Somehow, through all this confusion

The pounding of the world

The signals of noise and distractions

And business

Through fear

All that fear

I lost mine

Oh, to find the rhythm of my soul again

In Your will

Your way, Lord.

Less of me, more of You.

So much to say

Looking out the window

All day long, your head busy

Soul restless

Feeling completely discontent

So much to say...

But try to explain

Or try to write it down 

All of it's just gone.

Maybe that's it then; 

Nothing to say.