Purpose

If I had to write a story today about my life.  What would it say?  

I don't want my story to be about fighting my inner demons. Aren't we all doing that?  Everyone is fighting a battle.  Why would mine be special? Or more pronounced than yours? We're all fighting fierce battles within ourselves that no one really knows. And frankly no one cares.  There is much wisdom to be found in the old saying "Do not judge others until you have walked two moons in their moccasins."  No, you won't find me there; of inner demons I won't tell.

I don't want the story to be about loneliness either.  Fundamentally, we are all lonely.  We're all lonely in the sense that we were not created to live life like we do in this century.  Like this; fast-paced, meaningless, in search of more, more, more.  Yet, we are lacking meaningful connections to others.  Texting have become the new intimacy. Emojis our emotions.  We are cold, aloof, distant.  We don't belong.  I know this world is not our true home and nothing in it can curb our deepest loneliness.  Our souls do not belong on this earth.  One of our biggest needs as human beings is the need to belong.  Yet we will never find it on this planet.  Still we look for it.  Constantly, relentlessly, tirelessly.  We give ourselves over to unsatisfying relationships, unfulfilling marriages, peer pressure and more; all because we feel the need to belong.  As if it will fill our loneliness.  There is a void in all of us, a deep dark lonely void that only the One who created us can truly and meaningfully fill.  So forget loneliness, it's nothing special and I won't let it define me.  I will be lonely until I die.

I don't want my story to be about being and feeling depressed, however illogical it may appear if you consider how incredibly blessed I am.  I lead a truly charming life and I have freedoms most people dream of.  I am not ungrateful.  But I am sad.  Anxious.  Most days even I don't get why I feel this way, constantly, when there is no reason for it. No logic, no sense.  And yet it remains, like fog, long after the sun has risen.  It tells me that I have no purpose, no meaning, no worth.  Sometimes, I believe it.  You get so tired of fighting.  But that's not what I'm trying to say.  And that's besides the point and not the story I want to tell about me.

Let's not make this story about fear too, even if it consumes my being.  A constant, nagging, gnawing doubt that erodes my resolve for strength and courage.  I live in constant uncertainty and stress, anxious about everything and not wanting to care, yet caring too much.  So much that I cannot help but be anything but, anxious.  A true paradox.  A worrier when I want to be a warrior...  So you turn numb.  But even in the draft, a small little light refuses to go out.  This I nurture.

I nurture the hope of finding You:  

"You will seek Me and find Me

when you seek Me with ALL your heart"

Jeremiah 29:13

I nurture the hope of finding peace with You:

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding

shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"

Phillipians 4:7

I nurture my hope in You:  

"May the God of hope

fill you with all joy and peace in believing

that you may abound in hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit

Romans 15:13

I nurture unfailing Faith:

"Walk by faith,

not by sight."

2 Corinthians 5:7

In all these things, I know this for sure:

"You chose me

You wanted me

You appointed me

You set me where I am."

John 15:16

Can this be my story?  Lord, have mercy on my soul.