Fading

Even wild things

sit in absolute

and total reverence

for the fading

of a day.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

Act justly. Walk humbly. Love mercy.

Why I won't crumble,

even in the face of dire uncertainty.

I serve the Lord of lords, King of kings

An awesome Almighty God whose promises are true,

and whose Word is forever love.

A God I can trust no matter what life throws at me.

I shall not be moved, He is my rock

He saves, He rescues

He can move times, people, places, opportunities.

He promises to fight for me, I need only be still.

Nothing is impossible for God.

He cares for all mankind and bends His ear to His children. 

He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

He is providence.

He will sustain me.

He gives peace.

He gives his Holy Spirit as guide and comforter for His own.

He always answers the sincere prayers of His people.

He promises to give hope, and a future.

He promises to make your paths straight.

His will is perfect.

He has my name engraved on the palms of His hands

I am His.

He promises that I will never be alone and that I do not have to fear.

He will never leave, never forsake me.

I believe Him.

He promises to give eternal life.

He is coming for His children soon.

He is the Creator of Heaven and earth.

He is love.

All He asks?

Act justly,

Walk humbly,

Love mercy.

When sadness comes

When Sadness comes,

I hope it only stays for a while

That it won't become a companion

But will be just a quiet presence

in the corner that lingers a bit

and quietly leaves...

When Sadness comes,

please let it be

without the mess of emotions it brings

without waves of regret, rage, weeping, despair

Let it just be a tiny soft sorrow

A mumbled murmur that does not disturb the surface

And does not seep into my soul.

Give me dignity to carry the cross

we all have.

When sadness comes,

Let it only wash over me like an ocean tide

that has to come

but has to go again too.

Let not the sea be rough

and let the waves break gently.

Let me be still...

For Sadness is part of life here on earth

And I pray it be gentle with us

That it caresses, but not consumes

Let sadness be.

Sadness; a reminder that life 

was not meant to be like this on earth.

And when sadness visits,

let it bring Hope as well

For Hope will stay

When Sadness goes.

Night thoughts

Hollow hollow hollow

The echo makes its sound

Bouncing off the scarlet walls

Blacking, bruising against flesh

But nothing's there

It's dark as night

And eerily very still...

It's the quietness

of darkness,

The cavern of nothingness

The lack of light

and feeling;

That gets her every time.

All we are

"Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea

All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind

All we are is dust in the wind..."

- Kansas
Dust in the wind

Purpose

If I had to write a story today about my life.  What would it say?  

I don't want my story to be about fighting my inner demons. Aren't we all doing that?  Everyone is fighting a battle.  Why would mine be special? Or more pronounced than yours? We're all fighting fierce battles within ourselves that no one really knows. And frankly no one cares.  There is much wisdom to be found in the old saying "Do not judge others until you have walked two moons in their moccasins."  No, you won't find me there; of inner demons I won't tell.

I don't want the story to be about loneliness either.  Fundamentally, we are all lonely.  We're all lonely in the sense that we were not created to live life like we do in this century.  Like this; fast-paced, meaningless, in search of more, more, more.  Yet, we are lacking meaningful connections to others.  Texting have become the new intimacy. Emojis our emotions.  We are cold, aloof, distant.  We don't belong.  I know this world is not our true home and nothing in it can curb our deepest loneliness.  Our souls do not belong on this earth.  One of our biggest needs as human beings is the need to belong.  Yet we will never find it on this planet.  Still we look for it.  Constantly, relentlessly, tirelessly.  We give ourselves over to unsatisfying relationships, unfulfilling marriages, peer pressure and more; all because we feel the need to belong.  As if it will fill our loneliness.  There is a void in all of us, a deep dark lonely void that only the One who created us can truly and meaningfully fill.  So forget loneliness, it's nothing special and I won't let it define me.  I will be lonely until I die.

I don't want my story to be about being and feeling depressed, however illogical it may appear if you consider how incredibly blessed I am.  I lead a truly charming life and I have freedoms most people dream of.  I am not ungrateful.  But I am sad.  Anxious.  Most days even I don't get why I feel this way, constantly, when there is no reason for it. No logic, no sense.  And yet it remains, like fog, long after the sun has risen.  It tells me that I have no purpose, no meaning, no worth.  Sometimes, I believe it.  You get so tired of fighting.  But that's not what I'm trying to say.  And that's besides the point and not the story I want to tell about me.

Let's not make this story about fear too, even if it consumes my being.  A constant, nagging, gnawing doubt that erodes my resolve for strength and courage.  I live in constant uncertainty and stress, anxious about everything and not wanting to care, yet caring too much.  So much that I cannot help but be anything but, anxious.  A true paradox.  A worrier when I want to be a warrior...  So you turn numb.  But even in the draft, a small little light refuses to go out.  This I nurture.

I nurture the hope of finding You:  

"You will seek Me and find Me

when you seek Me with ALL your heart"

Jeremiah 29:13

I nurture the hope of finding peace with You:

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding

shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"

Phillipians 4:7

I nurture my hope in You:  

"May the God of hope

fill you with all joy and peace in believing

that you may abound in hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit

Romans 15:13

I nurture unfailing Faith:

"Walk by faith,

not by sight."

2 Corinthians 5:7

In all these things, I know this for sure:

"You chose me

You wanted me

You appointed me

You set me where I am."

John 15:16

Can this be my story?  Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Reality

We don't remember everything.  All we have, in memory, are our own subjective accounts of fleeting surreal moments in circumstance that we attach meaning to.  "Memory" then, is not a "true" account of what took place in reality.

What is real then?

I suppose

"I suppose I thought

if I sat very still

the world wouldn't move."

- John Patrick

Soothe me

I keep on forgetting

Please tell me again

I need to hear it

Just one more time

It keeps slipping

away from my mind

It's your voice in the wind

Your cry in the sigh

I know it, that's true

But I need to hear it

From you

I keep on forgetting

So say it again

Please say it

Until I believe it again.

Not the place for a eulogy, but here it is

Time went by.  We changed, I changed.  Things change.  

That's what I like to tell myself.  

But I loved you.  I think I did.

You were such a big part of my life then.

I loved the way you made me feel.

Worthy.

Your words were like strands holding me up

When I wanted to fall

Never did I feel that before.

You helped me through so much.

You told me you loved me.

And I believed you did.

But love was not ours.

We both knew.  I think.

There was a forever promise before God.

It was never meant to be and that was okay.

Love is not always meant to be.

It felt cruel in the end.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

But I know you were where you were meant to be

In the end.

So many times I wanted to call.

But was afraid of the stirring it might awaken.

So I let it sleep

But you played in my mind in time lost.

Now forgotten.

I like to think that you really loved me too

That "love" was borne in empathy for another soul,

Hurting with a cry that only you could hear.

Only you responded to the murmur.

For this, my soul thanks you.

I am so moved by your passing.

Somehow, I don't have words to adequately express

my gratitude.

I carry you with me in my scars, memories.

Time cannot take that.

Parts I've forgotten, parts I remember

You were a beacon, a light

in my time of trouble.

I will always remember.