Times of trial

In times of trial, doubt and uncertainty, we need to run towards God, not away.  May your faith forever increase and your fear wash away.

Make sure you are still living in the present, not an uncertain future.

Every step I take

I'm hoping to walk away from this desert

with the strength to not fall apart

and not to look back.

But I'm afraid that with every step I take,

it takes me further away from my heart

and soul...

Disappointment to a noble soul

is what cold water is to burning metal.

It strengthens, tempers, intensifies,

but never destroys it.

- Unknown

When everyone gets what they want

"I just thought of what I want on that magical day when everyone gets what they want", I said, "I want me. I want me solid and steady and clearly defined; living inside my own skin.  I want me. Whatever I am. Whatever I turn out to be."

-The Cracker Factory

Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

Thinking

The door to God is the uncertainty of not knowing anything.  Bear the grace of that uncertainty with knowledge of the character and promises of God & you can bear anything this life may bring.  

Know Him!  

People today

Melancholy Grapefruits

talking sourly to the Lemons

Of the Avocado's clear contempt

for the Prunes.

The Pears and Apples debated

briefly on the Banana's point

of view, that the Tomatoes and

Onions shouldn't be let loose...

If I loved you

If you need me to cry

a thousand oceans

to sail you home

I will mourn

If you need me to oversee

your weary brow

to supply you strength

I will be strong

If you want me to follow

you over summer fields

Be sure that I will run

I will be there

If you need me to remember

I'll give my memory

Of all our love, our path

I will, I can't forget

If you need to find your way

Let me be your light

Your beacon, the safe place

The lighthouse

I will be home.

But if you need to go

I won't keep you from flying

I'll supply the wings

And the wind to carry you.

If I loved you.

Like I do.

Cherished things

To this day,

and I think, forever beyond...

Riding the bus

will remain one of my most cherished things 

Only because

it brings back

memories of you.

Fading

Even wild things

sit in absolute

and total reverence

for the fading

of a day.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

Act justly. Walk humbly. Love mercy.

Why I won't crumble,

even in the face of dire uncertainty.

I serve the Lord of lords, King of kings

An awesome Almighty God whose promises are true,

and whose Word is forever love.

A God I can trust no matter what life throws at me.

I shall not be moved, He is my rock

He saves, He rescues

He can move times, people, places, opportunities.

He promises to fight for me, I need only be still.

Nothing is impossible for God.

He cares for all mankind and bends His ear to His children. 

He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

He is providence.

He will sustain me.

He gives peace.

He gives his Holy Spirit as guide and comforter for His own.

He always answers the sincere prayers of His people.

He promises to give hope, and a future.

He promises to make your paths straight.

His will is perfect.

He has my name engraved on the palms of His hands

I am His.

He promises that I will never be alone and that I do not have to fear.

He will never leave, never forsake me.

I believe Him.

He promises to give eternal life.

He is coming for His children soon.

He is the Creator of Heaven and earth.

He is love.

All He asks?

Act justly,

Walk humbly,

Love mercy.

When sadness comes

When Sadness comes,

I hope it only stays for a while

That it won't become a companion

But will be just a quiet presence

in the corner that lingers a bit

and quietly leaves...

When Sadness comes,

please let it be

without the mess of emotions it brings

without waves of regret, rage, weeping, despair

Let it just be a tiny soft sorrow

A mumbled murmur that does not disturb the surface

And does not seep into my soul.

Give me dignity to carry the cross

we all have.

When sadness comes,

Let it only wash over me like an ocean tide

that has to come

but has to go again too.

Let not the sea be rough

and let the waves break gently.

Let me be still...

For Sadness is part of life here on earth

And I pray it be gentle with us

That it caresses, but not consumes

Let sadness be.

Sadness; a reminder that life 

was not meant to be like this on earth.

And when sadness visits,

let it bring Hope as well

For Hope will stay

When Sadness goes.

Night thoughts

Hollow hollow hollow

The echo makes its sound

Bouncing off the scarlet walls

Blacking, bruising against flesh

But nothing's there

It's dark as night

And eerily very still...

It's the quietness

of darkness,

The cavern of nothingness

The lack of light

and feeling;

That gets her every time.

All we are

"Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea

All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind

All we are is dust in the wind..."

- Kansas
Dust in the wind

Purpose

If I had to write a story today about my life.  What would it say?  

I don't want my story to be about fighting my inner demons. Aren't we all doing that?  Everyone is fighting a battle.  Why would mine be special? Or more pronounced than yours? We're all fighting fierce battles within ourselves that no one really knows. And frankly no one cares.  There is much wisdom to be found in the old saying "Do not judge others until you have walked two moons in their moccasins."  No, you won't find me there; of inner demons I won't tell.

I don't want the story to be about loneliness either.  Fundamentally, we are all lonely.  We're all lonely in the sense that we were not created to live life like we do in this century.  Like this; fast-paced, meaningless, in search of more, more, more.  Yet, we are lacking meaningful connections to others.  Texting have become the new intimacy. Emojis our emotions.  We are cold, aloof, distant.  We don't belong.  I know this world is not our true home and nothing in it can curb our deepest loneliness.  Our souls do not belong on this earth.  One of our biggest needs as human beings is the need to belong.  Yet we will never find it on this planet.  Still we look for it.  Constantly, relentlessly, tirelessly.  We give ourselves over to unsatisfying relationships, unfulfilling marriages, peer pressure and more; all because we feel the need to belong.  As if it will fill our loneliness.  There is a void in all of us, a deep dark lonely void that only the One who created us can truly and meaningfully fill.  So forget loneliness, it's nothing special and I won't let it define me.  I will be lonely until I die.

I don't want my story to be about being and feeling depressed, however illogical it may appear if you consider how incredibly blessed I am.  I lead a truly charming life and I have freedoms most people dream of.  I am not ungrateful.  But I am sad.  Anxious.  Most days even I don't get why I feel this way, constantly, when there is no reason for it. No logic, no sense.  And yet it remains, like fog, long after the sun has risen.  It tells me that I have no purpose, no meaning, no worth.  Sometimes, I believe it.  You get so tired of fighting.  But that's not what I'm trying to say.  And that's besides the point and not the story I want to tell about me.

Let's not make this story about fear too, even if it consumes my being.  A constant, nagging, gnawing doubt that erodes my resolve for strength and courage.  I live in constant uncertainty and stress, anxious about everything and not wanting to care, yet caring too much.  So much that I cannot help but be anything but, anxious.  A true paradox.  A worrier when I want to be a warrior...  So you turn numb.  But even in the draft, a small little light refuses to go out.  This I nurture.

I nurture the hope of finding You:  

"You will seek Me and find Me

when you seek Me with ALL your heart"

Jeremiah 29:13

I nurture the hope of finding peace with You:

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding

shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"

Phillipians 4:7

I nurture my hope in You:  

"May the God of hope

fill you with all joy and peace in believing

that you may abound in hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit

Romans 15:13

I nurture unfailing Faith:

"Walk by faith,

not by sight."

2 Corinthians 5:7

In all these things, I know this for sure:

"You chose me

You wanted me

You appointed me

You set me where I am."

John 15:16

Can this be my story?  Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Reality

We don't remember everything.  All we have, in memory, are our own subjective accounts of fleeting surreal moments in circumstance that we attach meaning to.  "Memory" then, is not a "true" account of what took place in reality.

What is real then?

I suppose

"I suppose I thought

if I sat very still

the world wouldn't move."

- John Patrick

Soothe me

I keep on forgetting

Please tell me again

I need to hear it

Just one more time

It keeps slipping

away from my mind

It's your voice in the wind

Your cry in the sigh

I know it, that's true

But I need to hear it

From you

I keep on forgetting

So say it again

Please say it

Until I believe it again.

Not the place for a eulogy, but here it is

Time went by.  We changed, I changed.  Things change.  

That's what I like to tell myself.  

But I loved you.  I think I did.

You were such a big part of my life then.

I loved the way you made me feel.

Worthy.

Your words were like strands holding me up

When I wanted to fall

Never did I feel that before.

You helped me through so much.

You told me you loved me.

And I believed you did.

But love was not ours.

We both knew.  I think.

There was a forever promise before God.

It was never meant to be and that was okay.

Love is not always meant to be.

It felt cruel in the end.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

But I know you were where you were meant to be

In the end.

So many times I wanted to call.

But was afraid of the stirring it might awaken.

So I let it sleep

But you played in my mind in time lost.

Now forgotten.

I like to think that you really loved me too

That "love" was borne in empathy for another soul,

Hurting with a cry that only you could hear.

Only you responded to the murmur.

For this, my soul thanks you.

I am so moved by your passing.

Somehow, I don't have words to adequately express

my gratitude.

I carry you with me in my scars, memories.

Time cannot take that.

Parts I've forgotten, parts I remember

You were a beacon, a light

in my time of trouble.

I will always remember.

Surviving the dark

My goodness!  It seems I've survived a very dark period back in 2003.  Some heavy stuff here from my agonized soul:

Close your eyes

Take a deep breath

If you can still breathe

Find it there

The old hollow me...

A shuddered heartbeat

Knocking the bones

Pumping dark tears

All through my soul

Your voice in my head

Supposed to be warm

Brings coldness forth

Your intent, a storm

Swallowing me

Spitting me up

Rejecting me...

Paging through memories

I have kept memories, notes and poems since I was a teenager.  Today I came across this one from 2003 - my dark period.  I'm so happy to have found the Light and a place where my soul is free:

Able bodied witch am I

Knowing just the way of sly.

Spewing hurt and fear, I fly

off the handle but I'm running dry...

I'm fiery anger, bursting forth

from your mouth - wipe the froth...

I'm spitting poison from the tongue.

All about, oh, the lies I flung

Abusing, distorting truth - my best tools

And you, dear mortals, are the fools

A well of bitter inside me dwell

We all together in this same hell

Death be the only escape from me

Yes inside me devils roam free

Dulls my senses, numbs my heart

And all good for nothing but piercing dart...

Knowing

I am a beautiful mess.

Living a lightning storm

in a dry desert spell.

I wish I had

more of my ducks in a row

Or rather, my zebras aligned.

No longer do I wish

to be a wave 

tossed and thrown about

by the sea

only to wreck myself on the rocks.

There's a better way - 

the way of being quiet 

and still

and knowing...

Ps. 46:10 KJV

Horns

Sometimes

you just have to take life by the horns

and get on with it

no worries, no fear

no feelings - 

keep soldiering on.

As long as there is life

there is fuel to fight

and hopefully

at the end

a little

rest for the weary.

That quiets the soul

Sitting, barefoot

armed only with camera 

and eyes that scan,

see

the beauty of things

that quiets the soul.

Let me out of the noise

my own head makes...

Whispers from the sea - for CM

Be SHORE of yourself

Come out of your SHELL

Take time to relax and COAST

Avoid PIER pressure

SEA life's beauty

Don't get TIDE down

Make WAVES

Make a wish upon a STARFISH 

Put the lime in the coconut

and remember:

Drinking rum before 10AM makes you a PIRATE,

not an alcoholic... ;-)

Lamentation

"Could I walk out to sea,

way beyond these breakers

We have no place among

the movers and the shakers

Yours is the only throne

I'll ever get down on my knees before

You have the whole of me..."

- Tree 63

A million lights

Look beyond

Not all days are beautiful, but there is something beautiful in every day.

Take time to see it!

And if you don't see it, look beyond.

Maybe, look Up.

And kneel.

Gone fishing

Discontent

It's in the discontented

murmur

just before sleep.

When heightened senses

lets you feel

the beat of your heart

pulsing through your veins

aware;

oxygen - bubbling, racing through blood

essentially piquing 

the interest of 

every nerve

every cell

every fibre

and every fagment 

of your being;

always alive, always aware

But never lets you feel your soul...

The rhythm of my soul

Oh, to find the rhythm of my soul again

In Your words, In Your care

Under Your wings

Everything You created have rhythm and time

The restless sea, crashing waves

The waxing waning moon, deliriously moving through time

If time exists

The relentless wind

Day, night, midnight, noon

Our ins and outs.

Somehow, through all this confusion

The pounding of the world

The signals of noise and distractions

And business

Through fear

All that fear

I lost mine

Oh, to find the rhythm of my soul again

In Your will

Your way, Lord.

Less of me, more of You.

When words cannot convey your loneliness...

When being still is no longer a comfort

And being busy not a distraction

When all life seems just one long aching yearning

Of times had and a home not seen.

Then, be stiller still and know...

Unraveled

"Sometimes, when one is moving silently through such an utterly desolate landscape, an overwhelming hallucination can make one feel that oneself, as an individual human being, is slowly being unraveled.  The surrounding space is so vast that it becomes increasingly difficult to keep a balanced grip on one's own being.  The mind swells out to fill the entire landscape, becoming so diffuse in the process that one loses the ability to keep it fastened to the physical self."

Haruki Murakami 

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

 

The quiet sense of something lost...

When the sun breaks over the African plains...

Where to bang your head

"Alone, I often fall down into nothingness.

I must push my foot stealthily lest I should fall off the edge of the world into nothingness.

I have to bang my head against some hard floor to call myself back to the body."

 - Virginia Woolf

The Waves

Hypnotized

Has anyone ever figured out why the sea is so hypnotizing?  

Why does it draw you in and refuse to let go?

Drawn in...

Birds talk to me

Real

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes,

but in having new eyes"

- Marcel Proust

Pondering

About a week ago, we met this little guy.

He remained deep in thought throughout our entire encounter.

What was he thinking?

Paradise

This

is a

Paradise

to me.

Wondrous thing

"The serenity of the lulling ocean is a wondrous thing to behold...

more precious than the gems coveted and covered in platinum or gold."

- Oksana Rus

Don't...

Don't let your fears win.

Don't overthink things.

Don't lose hope.

Don't let the world diminish you.

Don't forget to make memories.

Don't forget to give of your soul.

Don't judge.

Don't criticize what you don't understand.

Don't be afraid to start over.

Don't let someone else create your world. It will always be too small.

Don't let the opinion of others consume you.

Don't settle for mediocre.

Don't look at the exterior. A poor coat can hide a rich heart.

Don't give up.

Don't sell out.

Don't do anything today that will darken tomorrow.

Don't take everything so seriously.

And

Don't expect mangoes when you plant papayas.

The Echo of a Soul

"Let me be a free man.

Free to travel,

Free to stop.

Free to work,

Free to trade where I choose.

Free to choose my own teachers,

Free to follow the religion of my fathers,

Free to talk, think and act for myself,

And I will obey every law or submit to the penalty."

- Chief Joseph

Abandoned

"I left... Crossing the street I was hit head-on by a brutal loneliness.  I felt dark and hollow. Abandoned, unnoticed, forgotten, I stood on the sidewalk, a nothing, a gatherer of dust.  People hurried past me and everyone who walked by was happier than I.  I felt the old envy.  I would've given anything to be one of them."

- Nicole Krauss

The History of Love

Something throbs, and gleams...

"I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams..."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Little Prince

Pelican Limerick

"A wonderful bird is the Pelican,

His beak can hold more than his belly can.

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week!

But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?"

- Dixon Lanier Merrit

c. 1912

Seething

"The desert and the ocean are realms of desolation on the surface.

The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to dessicate into dust.

The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.

Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.

Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.

The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.

Dare to breach the surface and sink." 

- Vera Nazarian 

The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Maybe

"I may be going nowhere, but what a ride."

- Shaun Hick

The voice of the salt

" I shivered in those solitudes

when I heard the voice of the salt

in the desert."

- Pablo Neruda

Friendship

Distance seem so little

when someone means so much.

You know who you are...  This one's for you.